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Swimming Humor |
Updated 11/9/07 If you have any additions, please e-mail it to us and we'll include it in the list. A few Coach Bill Jokes and lots of Swim Jokes 1. Coach Bill finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor. It's so large; they have to do a brain transplant. His doctor gives him a choice of available brains. There's a jar of webmaster brains for $10 an ounce, a jar of rocket scientist brains for $15 an ounce, and a jar of swim coach brains for the sum of $800 an ounce. An outraged Coach Bill says, "This is a ripoff! How come the swim coach brains are so expensive?" The doctor replies, "Do you know how many swim coaches it takes to get an ounce of brains?" When Coach Bill woke up after surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The doctor answered: "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
2. Coach Bill was riding back from a swim meet in his truck when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he stopped the truck and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass." "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you well," Coach Bill said. "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," Coach Bill replied. Turning to the other poor man, he stated, "You can come with us, too." The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all as well," Coach Bill answered. They all climbed into the truck, which was no easy task, even for a truck as large as Coach Bill's. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to Coach Bill and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." Coach Bill replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high."
3. When Coach Bill dies, why will they bury him 600 feet underground? Because deep down, he's a really nice guy.
Q: What
race is never run?
A: A
swimming race.
Q: What
kind of fish can't swim?
A: A dead
one.
Q: What kind of stroke can
you use on toast?
A: Because the doctor told
him to GOGGLE with salt water! Q. Why can male elephants swim whenever they want? A. They always have trunks with them!
Q. What is a polar bear's favorite stroke? A. Blubber-fly!
Q. Why did the girl have problems swimming? A. She didn’t have boy-ancy! (Buoyancy)
Q. Why did the teacher jump into the water? A. She wanted to test the water!
Q. Why wasn't Susan afraid when she saw a shark while she was swimming in the water? A. Because it was a man-eating shark!
Q: Why do you keep doing the backstroke? A: I've just had lunch and don't want to swim on a full stomach.
Q: Did you hear about the slow swimmer? A: He could only do the crawl.
Q: What do you call a swim team made up of girls named Jennifer? A: Hydrogens.
Q: Where do ghosts like to go swimming? A: Lake Eerie (also, the Dead Sea).
Q: What kind of swimmer makes a good gardener? A: One with great seed times!
Q: What do a dentist and a swim coach have in common? A: They both use drills!
Q: Why was the swimmer at the Winterfest Meet so cold? A: She couldn't find her heat!
Q: Why did the vegetarians stop swimming? A: They didn't like meets!
Q: What kind of exercises are best for a swimmer? A: Pool-ups!
Q: Why was Cinderella able to swim so fast? A: Because the Prince found her glass flippers!
Q. In which direction does a chicken swim? A. Cluck-wise!
Laws of Competitive Swimming UNIVERSAL LAWS AFFECTING COMPETITIVE SWIMMERS *Law of Competitive Gravity* When left unattended, a swimmer will gravitate to the worst technique possible. *Law of Inertia* A swimmer at rest will tend to remain at rest unless acted upon by an outside force. A swimmer in motion will tend to rest as soon as possible unless acted upon by an outside force. *Conservation of Matter* Matter or Mass can neither be created nor destroyed, except by 11-18 year old females, when it can magically appear in the most inopportune places and quantities imaginable. *Opposition Principle* When asked to kick rapidly, swimmers tend not to; when told not to kick, swimmers tend to kick rapidly. *Space, Time Continuum* When swimming Breaststroke or Butterfly in practice, swimmers hands are attracted to the turning wall, each hand at a different speed, at different times, at different points not in the same plane. *Laws of Acceleration & Momentum* The law of acceleration may only apply for 3 minutes after coach reminds swimmer it is important, then the law of Momentum becomes dominant soon to be replaced by the law of Inertia. *Law of Static Levels* Swimmers will automatically seek their own comfort level and tend to attract others to so the same. * Mind over Matter* The mind can overcome many obstacles during competition but the same does not usually apply during practices. *Law of Finite Attraction* Even after carefully explaining the efficiency and effectiveness of an ideal stroke rate, within 3 minutes swimmer will invariably lose the ability to count strokes and think about any related concept. See similar anomaly under Law of Acceleration. * Relativity * The position of the swimmer’s body in relation to the position it is supposed to be in, may vary up to +or- 100%. *Vertical and Horizontal Telemetry * When rotated 90 degrees from the vertical to supine or sublime position, the brain loses most of its ability to function. *Historical Principle of Babylon* Within 3 minutes of the start of coach speaking, the swimmers begin hearing unrecognizable tongues. See similar anomaly under Law of Finite Attraction. *Fluid Mechanics* The amount of fluids the bladder can retain is directly proportional to the difficulty of the middle of the current practice set. The same principle seems to apply to ripping caps and broken goggle straps, but no scientific evidence connecting the 3 has been documented.
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